My Silent Speech

Once when it snowed and now when it is snowing.

When it snowed I always wanted to touch and feel its softness - standing in the middle of the yard, I'd let the snowflakes cover my face. Only my mother's call could pull me away. A call which always had me running towards the living room. Freezing, but still never forgetting to fill my mouth with some of the cold flakes. My family would be gathered around the stove, eating nuts with dried blackberries, waiting for the haleem to cook.

I never understood why, but snow always made my family recall the stories of our ancestors. I loved to listen to those stories of trust, kindness, support and unity. Sometimes, to my surprise, I would find myself thinking of how much help they were and how they lived by those principles. I always believed them, and in them.

Today it is snowing and even now I have the same feeling about snow. But it is not the same; its freezing sensation has started affecting my mind. Still, my family gathers around the stove to recall tales of our ancestors, but they do not draw me in as they once did. I am fed up with listening to them, again and again. I am frustrated and a bit angry. Never have I seen these stories of kindness and unity happen in real life. In my life.

I have started to not believe in them. If these old stories happened to real people in the past, if they were real, then why do I not see them repeated today? Am I of no help?

Today, there is pain all around. Why are those pains not touching me? Why do those cries not bring me to my senses? Is this because of the freezing weather? I am not sure as my mind is freezing, and it is happening to me more often now. I am losing my feelings gradually, the cold numbing my emotions and the freeze creeping to my heart. I am silent and it is frightening me. What if this feeling comes forever over me?

I want to shout out before my mind freezes completely and totally. I want to share what I feel. I want to repeat my ancestors stories. I want to be someone before becoming no one. But I am muted, I can’t speak up. Will you listen?